So here's the solution: beards.
The bit about Gillette is pretty funny. Unfortunately for me, I hate having a full beard more than I hate shaving, although I do hate shaving. So I let it grow out a bit, get all scruffy, piss off my wife, then finally begrudgingly shave once the scratching and "flavor saver" aspects of facial hair outweigh the inconvenience and pain of shaving (I have fairly sensitive skin, 'cause I'm a sensitive motherfucker).
The nice thing is that, as soon as the blood stops flowing and the swelling goes down, there are few things that don't involve genitals that feel as good as a newly shorn face.